You see, after all is said and done...
the only thing you can be really sure of...
the only thing you can really count on in this world...
is that you just never fucking know.
I bet the last thing you were thinking about...
when you were tying your shoelaces this morning...
was that there was a chance...
that by the end of the day, this day...
those same shoelaces were going to be untied...
by somebody working for the coroner's office.
Am I right?
I'm right, right?
Hey! Get the fuck out of here!
What, you wanna know about this? Get out of here!
Take that shit to the dry cleaners.
Now!
Sorry. Long day. Where was I?
You know, the human body is, like, 80% moisture, right?
How much do you weigh? 165? 170?
Now, I figure if you could somehow extract 80% of that...
you'd have, give me a second...
thirty-four pounds...
of, like, solid...
not meat...
It'd be more like beef jerky, you know?
But with hair and bones and teeth...
shriveled-up tattoos and whatnot.
Probably be like this big.
In any event, you're starting to follow my drift here, "papi"?
Because somebody has some money that belongs to Louis.
Is it you, perchance?
Is it you that has some money that belongs to Louis?
No.
- No? Sure? - Yeah.
I'm gonna start this thing and leave.
What do you think? Permanent press or delicate?
Wouldn't be appropriate if I asked you if you had change for a dollar.
I got it.
Calm down. I just need four quarters.
No. I got Louis' money.
You got it.
Yeah, I do.
I got some of it, anyways.
No, this isn't what we talked about. Now, this is... It was fucking simple.
- You been breaking the contract. - Right.
It's simple. I give you, you give me.
You don't give me. It's a breach of contract.
You're fucking up. What do you think I'm out here for?
I'm asking you a question. What do you think I'm here for?
- Louis, I'm scared now. - You're scared now? I don't give a fuck.
I told you not to let this get out of control.
What'd I tell you? I told you that, right?
Listen, here's what you're gonna do for me:
You're gonna come see me tomorrow and you're going to bring me something.
Okay, you hear me?
- Yes, I do. - Something to scale, all right?
Otherwise I can't talk to you no more. All right?
I'm gonna have to send Gigli over. He's gonna have to settle up with you.
You come to me tomorrow or he goes to you. Very simple.
- I'll be here tomorrow. - That's good.
- I'm not kidding. - Get the fuck out of here.
- Okay. - Get the fuck... Go, you fucking...
Fucking roach.
Fucking class of people.
- I'm in Siberia around here. - I know.
Fuck this city. I don't know how you guys cut it out here.
It's Gigli, by the way.
- What? - My name is...
pronounced Gigli. It rhymes with really.
- Is that right? Is that so? - Yeah.
All right. I'll remember that for the next time, then.
Meanwhile, you got something for me, Gigli? Rhymes with really.
It's about half.
- Half? - Half for today.
Believe me, that's all the guy had. It's better than nothing.
How about it's not better than nothing, you fucking idiot?
Better is fuck the money then you hurt him as to spread the word.
Since when are you authorized to make policy decisions?
I'm sorry, Louis. I didn't know.
Are you all they got to offer around here?
You're supposed to be this vicious, fucking mad dog.
I'm sorry.
Walk with me.
There is a certain individual...
who is creating very substantial difficulties for a dear friend of mine in New York.
Now, this certain party...
is very bullheaded and seems to be removed...
from what I would like to call my sphere of influence.
- All right, how can I help? - The plot needs a twist.
The individual needs to be touched in some manner as to...
convince him of the error of his ways before he can hurt other people...
- particularly my friend from New York. - Right.
Now, this certain individual, he's got...
a beloved relative with certain psychological defects.
I want the relative gotten, all right?
And I want him, for the time being, held on to.
Perhaps then reason can prevail.
- You're following all this? - Yeah, all of it.
Got it.
All right. Wait.
- Where is he? - Over there.
Right there? That's him?
All right. Thanks.
I'm all right. You can go outside. I'm okay. Thanks.
Are you Brian?
I know you're Brian. Your friend ratted you out back there.
Hello?
What are you eating there? What do you got?
- What are those, polly seeds? - They're not. You're stupid.
I'm stupid.
- They look like polly seeds to me. - They're sunflower seeds.
That's the same thing.
We called them polly seeds when I was a kid.
You must be the stupidest person, you piss-head, pisser-fucker.
Me and you, we're supposed to go for a quick walk. You ready?
We'll take a walk around the block. What do you say?
I won't give anybody my seeds.
Barry always asks why I don't give anybody any.
Don't worry about it. Keep those. That's for you, okay?
Let's go. We're gonna take a walk. Come on.
What did that?
He's kidding.
Sorry about that. All right, look...
it's real simple.
You and I are gonna go outside and take a little walk.
I won't grab you again, okay?
I have to go to the Baywatch.
I'm sorry, what?
I have to go to the Baywatch. I was gonna go.
You wanna watch "Baywatch"?
Roll by my apartment, we'll turn on "Baywatch".
You're the stupidest person.
Not television. The Baywatch.
The Baywatch?
- Yeah, the Baywatch. - Okay.
Can I go?
- You wanna go now? - To the Baywatch.
Yeah. I'm going there. I was on my way.
- Yes, I would. - All right.
Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, I gotta get my radio.
- The music's gonna be good there. - Okay, good.
Baywatch!
Here we come.
Wait a minute. You hear that, now? What is that?
- You hear that? - No.
Yep, it's my walkie-talkie calling.
Yeah, hello?
I told you, don't ever bother me again when I'm taking trips with my friends.
What? No, we're going to the Baywatch.
Yep, that's right, the Baywatch.
No. Holy mackerel.
Would you know when they'll be open again?
We'll call you tomorrow for the update.
How do you like that? Baywatch is closed today.
- No. - Tomorrow we'll go.
I can't believe it.
This always happens like that, right? When you plan a big trip.
Hello there. P.O.B.
What does that mean?
P.O.B. Limo drivers say that.
That's good. What does it mean?
P.O.B. Passenger On Board.
- Already? - Yeah, already.
That's good. You headed back to your place?
- I am. - Good.
- We'll talk later. - Yeah, we'll talk later.
Come on in. It's all right. I don't bite.
You hungry? I got food.
You thirsty?
I want a soda.
You want a soda? I'm out of soda. Want a water?
You want a water? I'll get you a water.
All right. How is that? Good?
- I wanna go home. - All right, you got to stay here for a little bit.
No, I wanna go home.
No, we got to stay here. Can't do it right now.
So maybe you wanna watch TV or cartoons?
I wanna go home.
- We got to stay here. - No.
Brian, what are you doing?
- Take me home now. - Stop.
- Fuck all of you! You stupid soup-fucker! - What?
- Don't do that, motherfucker! - What's wrong with you? Cut that out.
- Cut it out! Stop! Be quiet! - I'm going to the Baywatch.
All right.
Where are my seeds?
They're sunflower seeds, idiot.
They're right there.
- They're sunflower seeds. - Behind you. Right there.
Stay here.
Everything's fine. Just kidding around.
- Hello. - Hi.
May I be of some assistance?
Well, that remains to be seen.
Look, I'm sorry to bother you. It's just...
I was wondering if it wouldn't be too much trouble if I could use your phone.
- That's... - Right.
I just took a one-bedroom in the front...
and I've been waiting all day for the phone company to come hook me up.
- You know... - Yeah, it's just kind of a bad...
It'll only take a second, I promise. You know, it's probably a local call.
I can't. I'm sorry.
I'll be in and out before you know it. I promise.
Just leave a faint scent.
Yeah, all right. Come on in.
- Thank you. - Sure.
The phone's right there.
- I promise it'll only take a minute. - All right.
Hello.
What are you doing? Go sit down in the kitchen.
These computer answering things, they drive me nuts.
- You're making a telephone call. - Right, she's making a telephone call.
Don't call Baywatch because they're closed today.
I wouldn't think of it.
I'm sorry, I got to ask. Do we know each other?
Not yet.
I'm Ricki.
Larry Gigli, right?
- I saw it on the mailbox. - Yeah, it's pronounced Gigli.
Rhymes with really.
- It's nice to meet you, Larry Gigli. - Nice to meet you, Larry.
What's your name?
Bob.
- You're stupid. That's not my name. - That's not your name?
- What is your name, sweetie? - That's it. His name's Bob.
- His name's not Bob. - Your name is Bob.
Whatever your name is...
has anyone ever told you you're a very handsome young man?
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.
In private.
I can't fucking believe this.
It's an unexpected bonus. Who'd have thought you were a babe magnet?
- You're better than a dog. - You're a dog, you dog-head piss-fart!
Whatever.
You know, I heard you were a bit of a fuckup.
But I gotta tell you, I'm frankly amazed at how much of a fuckup you actually are.
- Am I missing something here? - It would seem so.
Why don't you call Louis and he'll explain everything to you.
I don't know that I know any Louis.
Then I guess he hasn't called you to tell you he doesn't trust you...
with a task of this magnitude.
That he feels the stakes are too high.
- Nope. - "Nope."
I guess he also probably hasn't called to tell you...
that he'd feel more comfortable if there were two independent, unacquainted...
perhaps even mutually hostile contractors working on this...
so they could keep an eye on one another.
Nope. There's no reason for you to take my word...
for precisely how second-rate he considers you.
It'd probably make both our lives a lot easier if you just heard it directly from him.
That's good stuff. I had that today.
- Excuse me one minute. - Sure.
Louis, you there?
I'm here. What do you want?
Yeah, there's this...
young lady here trying to tell me that...
All right, this thing is monumental.
Certainly too big for a jerk-off like yourself, but I had no choice.
This thing represents my ass and my future.
I want you to work with her and I want you to watch her as she will be watching you.
I want you to know...
that I will personally excoriate anyone responsible...
for the tiniest fuckup in this action.
- And I want you to understand that. - Yes, Louis.
"Yes, Louis"?
Do you happen to know what "excoriate" means?
It's not coming to me at the moment.
It means "to strip or wear off the skin of...
"to flay."
I'm learning a word a day. And it's critical to use these words in conversation...
but that's not why I used it in this conversation.
In this conversation I used it because I meant it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be going now.
All right, I'll talk to you later. Yeah, don't worry about it.
Now don't get yourself all tied in a knot.
Okay? I don't know this guy, and he doesn't know me.
But my reputation apparently is pretty solid.
So why don't you just get yourself straight...
and we can put this whole thing behind us.
And if you have any decaffeinated or herbal tea...
I would really be most appreciative.
- I want tea. - Two teas.
Let me tell you something, okay?
I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but I don't work like this.
You got that?
If you wanna talk about reputations...
and if by some fucking miracle long shot you haven't heard of my reputation...
let me tell you who the fuck I am.
I am the fucking Sultan of Slick, Sadie. I am the Rule of fucking Cool.
You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug?
You sit at my fucking feet. Gather the pearls that emanate forth from me.
Because I'm the fucking original, straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack...
fucking hustler, original gangster's gangster.
I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm gonna get my stuff.
And don't you worry your little gangster's gangster head about it...
I can manage.
How many cups of your own spit you think you swallow every day, Larry?
I think about 35 cups.
- Would you just shut the fuck up. - You're an idiot!
- What is it with you? - No, you.
- What, you just go in and out? - You're an idiot.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - You're the fuck, you stupid duck-fuck.
Do me a favor and just act fucking normal for a minute.
- Looks like... - Just for a minute.
You'll end up with Elliot over there.
I know you understand what I'm talking about. Fucking be normal.
- I'm telling you... - Not fucking crazy! Normal!
How about if I smack you in the fucking head?
Leave him alone. We're supposed to watch him, not slap him around.
Don't tell me what we're supposed to do.
How about this? You leave him alone or I'll kill you.
You'll kill me? Fuck you! Go ahead.
I'll kill you.
You don't tell me what to do. Okay?
Don't tell me what we might do. Don't tell me what we're supposed to do.
Don't tell me what we maybe should do. Don't ever tell me nothing!
I'll tell you this, you leave him alone or I'll kill you.
I'm gonna say 35 cups. I'm gonna say 35 cups of spit.
I'm a genius. I'm a genius, man.
- What's he talking about? - I don't know.
Look, why don't we try and make this pleasant.
Nice.
Easy.
So, what do you normally hire out for?
I do jobs of various types.
- How about yourself? - Me, too.
I do various types of jobs of various kinds.
There you have it.
How come I never seen you around before?
I'm from another place.
Where would that be, Ricki?
Somewhere else, Larry.
Okay. I see.
- And my name's not really Ricki. - And what would it be, then?
Then how about I keep calling you Ricki just to piss you off?
- Lf it'll make you happy. - Yeah, it will.
- This isn't very good food. - Too bad. That's your dinner. Eat it.
- I'm hungry. - Fuck.
- He said he's hungry. - So? Let him eat his food.
- I don't like this food. - Too bad! Eat your food, stupid!
Back off! God! It's not his fault.
Yeah, it's not my fault I'm brain-damaged.
Beautiful. What are you, his shop steward?
Listen, you fucking retard, eat your...
- Enough! Easy already. - Not enough.
- What is your... - Let me tell you something.
In every relationship there's a bull and a cow.
It so happens that in this relationship right here with me and you...
I'm the bull, you're the cow.
All right? Bull. Cow.
- You got that? - Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow.
You make him something else to eat. Otherwise, mind your business.
I wanna go home.
You can't go home.
- I wanna go home. - You can't go home right now!
- Eat your food! - Piss you! I want to go home!
How you gonna go to the Baywatch tomorrow if you go home?
This is your spot. Yeah?
It's nice. Come on. Lie down.
This is a couch.
Don't worry about it. It's fine. It's a good sleeping place. Lie down.
Larry, read to me.
- What? - Read to me, Larry.
Read to him, Larry.
I don't wanna read to him. What do I got to read to him for?
Read to me, Larry.
- What for? - It soothes me down.
- It soothes you down? - Come on, Larry, read to him.
- What am I gonna read? I got nothing here. - Read him a book.
You don't have a book?
- I got a phone book. - There you go.
- Read to me, Larry. - All right, fine.
Here you go.
"Since 1868.
"For well over a century, the adventurous flavor of Tabasco sauce...
"has fired up generations of thrill-seekers."
- Okay? - That was good.
Read to me more.
"Lts all-natural ingredients and unique aging process in white oak barrels...
"keeps Tabasco on the culinary cutting edge.
"Try it on eggs, pizza, salads, and any other food...
"for a burst of flavor that will tantalize your taste buds." That's it.
- Read to me more. - That's it.
I'm not reading the ingredients. I'm done.
- Okay, thank you, Larry. - Sure.
Tell you what, no offense...
you don't look like any contractor I ever met.
Apparently, there's a need for all types.
So listen.
You know, I was thinking about what you said before...
about us being stuck in this situation. There's nothing we can do.
I think you're right. We might as well make the best of it.
I think so.
So, you know, look, don't take this the wrong way, believe me.
But I just... This is, you know...
I hate to see you sleep on the floor like that. I mean, come on.
So if you want to, you can go ahead and just, you know...
just take half of my bed.
'Cause we're working together. We're grownups, right?
You know, we're partners. We'll just...
do the whole thing professionally.
That's very kind of you. Thank you. I mean, I'd love to.
You know, professionally.
Please.
How's that professionally? You like that?
That's professional. Right here.
Bull. Cow. That's how that works.
There's your bull right there! There's your bull.
There's the horn.
You fuck with the bull, you get the horn.
That's professional.
Fucking professional.
Look at that.
That's the bull. Right.
Get the bull by the horn. You know what I'm talking about?
I'll give you the horn. Want to see the horn?
You know...
you're actually a very attractive woman.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You know, this may be a good time to suggest...
that you not allow the seeds of cruel hope to sprout in your soul.
I don't know what that means, but it sounds beautiful.
It means you're not my type.
Is that right?
What about me is not your type?
Your penis.
What does that mean?
It means I'm gay.
It means I'm a lesbian.
But I got to tell you, if I wasn't...
I mean, after a first date like this, I'd find it really hard...
not to just get under the covers and do you bigtime right now.
Good night.
"Good night"?
Whoa, Step-papa. With that sassy new look...
sheep's all that and a bag of chips.
Melbourne's forecast. ; The chance of a brief shower tomorrow...
but we're expecting a mostly fine day with a light-to-moderate southwestwardly wind.
Who the fuck are you talking to?
Sydney also fine and 18. Brisbane, showers...
Give me that back, please.
- Sunny, 32. - Give me that.
Adelaide and Hobart both mainly fine days tomorrow. Around our...
You know how much this shit costs?
- It's $5. - No, it's not $5.
- It's $10. - No, it's...
Why am I even talking to you for?
- It's $10. - Yeah, it's $10. All right.
Just wanted to tell you, you know, just get straight about that thing last night.
You know, no hard feelings.
You know what I mean? I don't want you to get upset or nothing.
That's it. Don't be coming back, though. I mean, it's a one-time offer.
One shot with me. I'm out.
Are you expecting somebody?
Come on!
- Larry! - Shit!
- It's your mother. - Fuck! It's a cop.
Open the door!
- I was watching that. - Be quiet.
Go in this room. Go. I want you to stay here.
- Don't come out. Don't say anything. - We're going to Baywatch?
- Yeah. Soon. Stay here. Be quiet. - Okay.
- Come on, I'm dying here! - Coming!
- Larry, I have a chicken. - Don't say anything.
What?
Your door's not thick enough to pretend you're not home when you're home.
- What's up? - I was in the neighborhood.
- How are you today? - Just fine. Yourself?
Just fine.
I'm searching for news on the underground.
Might you know what it is I'm getting at?
- No. - No. Well...
This is one of those mysterious cases.
Unsolvable. Probably turn out to be an alien abduction, but you know...
we're obligated to at least create the appearance of due diligence.
- What? - I didn't say nothing.
You know, your friend Louis...
his supervisor back in the home office is about to fold his napkin, right?
- Sorry? - Starkman, in New York.
He's through.
Looking at huge federal time. Big, ugly, dark dungeon underground.
No chance of parole, never ever. Time.
Yep. I'm sorry to say.
I hear he's a good guy, but, you know...
In any event, here's my problem...
and if you know any of this, feel free, jump in, shut me up.
This federal prosecutor out here...
the one with Starkman's testicular matter clutched in his fist...
this very federal prosecutor's little brother...
Any of this sound familiar?
To me? No.
No. Well...
This very federal prosecutor's little brother, a bit dopey from what I gather...
may have been absconded with...
which, as you can imagine, would be to the dismay of our prosecutor.
I think...
But I could be wrong about this because it's almost too stupid for a mind to grasp.
But I think maybe someone...
in your professional community...
might be participating in these shenanigans...
to, I don't know...
help squeeze a little friendship...
altruism, whatever, out of this particular federal official.
Maybe in the hopes that Starkman...
will wake up one morning...
And wake up one morning to find all charges mysteriously dropped.
The school of thought of my colleagues is that this kid is already way out of town.
I alone am of the opposite school. I think he's still here. That's what I think.
But what's important is what you think. What do you think?
As a friend who's got his ear to the street. Seriously.
- I never... You know... - I know.
You don't know nothing.
I can tell just by looking at you.
The whole thing's probably alien abduction, like I said before.
Man, you know what I'd love to do...
right now?
Go down to Marie Callender's...
get me a big bowl, pie, some ice cream on it.
Good.
Put some on your head...
your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it.
Interested?
Sure?
Yeah, I'm trying to get in shape, you know.
Say no more.
Thanks for the hospitality.
It can't be the most pleasant thing to have your privacy be intruded on.
Maybe if you hear anything, you'll let me know?
Yeah, you know, if I hear anything.
Yeah, I'll let you know.
All right.
A federal fucking prosecutor!
- Fuck! - Larry?
- I'll come back now, okay? - What are you doing? I told you to...
- I'm hungry. - We got nothing to eat.
- I'm hungry, though. - A federal fucking prosecutor.
- My brother's a federal fucking "prostitutor." - You don't say.
Put this on.
- Did you know about all that stuff? - No, not all of it.
- Maybe we should check into a hotel. - Fuck that.
I live here. This is my place.
No one's getting me out of my place. Put this on, too.
- I'm hungry. I wanna eat. - I heard you the first fucking five times.
Come on.
Fucking around.
When are we getting to the Baywatch?
- What? What's that? You hear that? - No.
What is that? It's the walkie-talkie again.
Hello? What?
You got to be kidding me. Again? What's the deal with these guys?
How long? Maybe tomorrow? Okay.
Kick those guys in the ass for me, will you?
Those fucking guys. All right.
Talk to you later. Give us a call back.
Unbelievable.
You believe that? The Baywatch is closed today. Again.
- They're closed? - Yeah, I talked to them.
They said they're working on the problem, but, you know...
they don't know how long it's gonna be.
What is the Baywatch?
It's where all the beautiful girls are. They swim.
They swim there.
- You're talking about the TV show? - No, you... Not TV. That's TV.
The Baywatch is where they really are. They're really there.
I think you could be friends there.
I think that's where the sex is. I think so.
- Hey, you wanna turn that down? - You fucking turn it down.
I don't think this is the best time to be drawing attention to ourselves.
- Hey, Beavis, turn the fucking radio off. - What the fuck is your problem, bitch?
"Bitch"?
You know what, creating a scene right now would be a bad thing.
Yeah, that's right. Why don't you come here so we can kick your ass.
What happened?
Let me. Okay?
Go ahead.
You know, what you boys need is to develop better people skills.
However, in the meantime...
Excuse me.
You ever heard of Tai Moi Chai?
No. Okay.
In traditional Tai Moi Chai, there are five levels of digital orb extrusion.
That's the gouging out of your opponent's eyeball...
with one's finger.
The highest and most difficult to master is my personal favorite:
"Kai Toi Mai".
Loosely translated, that's "the rip that takes the past."
Now, once the thumb liquefies the eye...
it is deftly and immediately replaced by the forefinger.
Deep thrust, hooking around and securing the ocular nerve...
and then removing it with such force...
as to bring with it, by suction, a vital portion of the visual cortex.
The part of the brain, as I'm sure you may know, that stores visual memory.
The extraordinary element of this move...
the genius of it...
the absolute poetry of it...
is that, aside from the obvious wound...
one's opponent is left with no memory of anything he has ever seen.
Family, friends, nothing.
Hence, "Kai Toi Mai":
"The rip that takes the past."
As you can imagine, very difficult to practice in the United States...
but I felt well worth the trips to the Chang Rai Province.
People skills.
See, knowing how to properly judge character...
knowing how and when to make a move...
in short, knowing who to and who not to fuck with.
These are things you boys are gonna wanna work on in the future. Okay?
And one more thing:
Sports are all well and good, but very hard to earn a living at.
So I want you guys to study hard and keep your grades up, all right?
- Okay? Everyone, yes? - Yes.
Okay. Good.
Brian, let's go.
Nice computer.
Here's suck-my-dick. Com.
So can you really do all that kung fu shit...
you said back there with the eye and that?
No.
That was all bullshit?
Sun Tzu said that in a war...
the best victory is that which requires no battle.
- Is this some more bullshit now I'm getting? - No.
Who's Sun Tzu?
A Chinese military theoretician who pointed out...
that in a conflict, getting angry, which you seem to do a lot of...
is a tactically and strategically stupid move.
It clouds your ability to reason. It gives your adversary the upper hand.
You wanna cloud your adversary's ability to reason...
thus gaining the upper hand yourself.
Whatever.
You know, given how unhappy you seem to be...
I can see how that wouldn't be the easiest thing for you to do.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Just that.
I mean...
when men are boys, they're encouraged not to cry, not to show their sadness...
so they're forced to find other ways to let those feelings out. As I'm sure you know...
fighting and getting angry are much more acceptable male behaviors.
So when these boys grow up, guess what outlet they use to express their sadness.
A guy who's miserable at work or depressed about his life...
comes home at night, what does he do?
He doesn't usually cry in front of the wife and kids.
He usually yells at them.
So, Larry...
What?
What is it exactly you're so sad about?
No, I'm serious.
Yeah. What about your friend?
Mrs. Leonard. Whatever her name is.
Look, I can't right now, I'm sorry. It's not a good time.
It's not a good time, Ma, that's why.
No.
Okay. All right!
What do you want, blood? I said okay. I'm coming over, all right?
I'll be right over there.
I got to make a quick detour. You can stay in the car.
Easy. A little lower.
- Right here? - A little bit higher.
- A little lower. - Ma.
All right, right there. God.
Look, Ma, if Mrs. Leonard isn't around, you'll have to call a doctor sometimes.
I can't just drop everything and show up here all the time, okay?
What, and I didn't drop everything for you?
"I'm so sorry, Larry, I can't change your diaper now.
"You're gonna have to call Mrs. Leonard."
- Let me just... - Let me. Hold on.
- What? - He's got to pee.
I got to pee, Larry.
I thought I told you to wait in the car.
I thought you'd prefer it if we came in rather than take the car somewhere.
Wouldn't want you to think we lammed out on you.
Besides, I want to meet your mother.
- No. - Larry, are those friends of yours?
- Yeah, close, personal. - Well, invite them in.
I got to pee, Larry.
- Larry, invite them in! - I am, Ma, all right?
- Hello, everybody. - Hello.
My God.
- What a beauty. - Ma.
What? I'm just saying.
You should see some of the pigs he's brought by.
I mean, not that they were pigs, per se.
It's just that, by and large, they were what I would call insignificant women.
You, I could tell right off the bat, you seem to be of some substance.
- Excuse me, miss, where's the men's room? - Right this way, darling.
Larry, she's gorgeous. Don't you fuck this one up.
- So, what is your story, honey? - I'm Larry's friend.
- Don't pay no attention to her. - She thinks I'm beautiful.
Yeah. She's blind in one eye, though.
Open the door.
You all right in there?
So this is where you grew up?
Are you writing a book?
- Ma. - Shut up. I didn't say anything.
I think you two make a very cute couple, though.
- Ma. - What?
What's with the "Ma"?
Stop already with the "Ma."
So, tell me...
are you and Larry sweethearts?
Before you answer, let me say up front that I hope so.
What? Yes, I hope so.
What's so terrible about "I hope so"?
- Yeah? Guess what. - What?
She's a lesbian.
Never mind.
She's been with fellas before. Am I right, darling?
You're right.
But sometimes they have their limitations. Am I right?
What are you two talking about?
Never mind. We know what we're talking about.
- Am I right, sweetheart? - You're right.
You know, I wasn't always just Larry's mother.
I used to be...
quite experimental.
- Jesus Christ! - Look at him!
Look who's not up-to-the-minute now.
- Big boy. - That's it. We're going.
Brian, come on. We're going. That's it. Ma, what...
All right. Just remember, you two, life's not just black-and-white.
All right, we'll remember that. Brian, let's go. We're going now.
- Let's go. - Come here, you big lug, give me a kiss.
- I love you. - Yeah.
- I washed my hands. - Congratulations. Let's go.
- Goodbye. - Come here, darling.
I feel like I know you already.
- Very nice meeting you. - It's my pleasure.
All right, we're going. Let's go. Come on. Let's go, Brian.
Just remember, you two, keep an open mind because you never know.
- We will. - Bye!
- I like her, she's very nice. - Man.
On the satellite map, the cloud over Queensland...
and New South Wales is bringing showers...
and there's very little activity over the rest of the continent.
But there is some low-level cloud over Southern Victoria...
which will bring isolated showers mainly to the coastal areas.
Another chilly night in Melbourne's suburbs with the mercury...
- What are you doing now? ...and Avalon falling as low...
- Brian, I told you, this is very expensive. - It's not expensive.
Don't argue with me.
Why are you doing this? What do you care about the weather in fucking England for?
- Australia. - Whatever.
It's not England.
Whatever, Brian. Why do you keep calling there?
I really like her voice.
Okay. Try to keep it under control, though.
- All right? - Okay, Larry, I'll try.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
So I'm not your type?
How did we get back there all of a sudden?
Relax.
You're more woman than I know what to do with.
I don't need to be dipping into the sisterhood.
But I'm just curious because all of a sudden now...
you say you've been with guys.
I have.
But they have their shortcomings?
Besides the fact that they give terrible head.
See, right there, that tells me something.
I know the guys you've been with obviously didn't know...
how to bring home the pearls when they were diving for oysters.
I was actually just joking.
Well, since we're letting it all hang out now, let me tell you something else.
Okay, when it comes to pleasing a woman, your girlfriends, they're just...
they're at a natural disadvantage.
It's like they might try hard, but they're just not backed up...
with millions of years of genetic engineering, programming, instinct.
Nature has evolved man for that purpose.
Satisfy.
Lead the pack.
That's why lesbians are always buying, spending their dough on, you know...
sexual appliances, erotic monkey wrenches and shit, trying to compensate...
for what they don't have. What they're not getting.
The penis. That's right.
Its very design tells you everything you need to know.
Forward motion. With advancements.
Fucking progress into the dark, deep...
mysterious unknown.
It's like adventure-seeking...
frontier-conquering...
obstacle-eradicating.
And you tried to create the impression you didn't read books.
You're settling for second best. That's all I'm saying.
So, in review...
you're saying...
that it's men that are at the top of the must-fuck pyramid?
That's all I'm telling you.
Loving, caring...
- sensitive, giving men. - That's right.
You're entitled to your opinion.
But let us reconsider women for a minute.
- Shall we? - Sure.
Their form:
Neck. Shoulders.
Legs.
Hips.
I think pretty cool.
Now, as far as your famous...
penis goes...
The penis is like some sort of...
bizarre sea slug...
or like a really long toe.
I mean, it's handy, important even. But the pinnacle of sexual design?
The top of the list of erotic destinations? I don't think so.
One's first impulse is to kiss what?
To kiss the lips.
Firm...
delicious lips. Sweet lips.
Surrounding a warm, moist...
dizzyingly scented mouth.
That's what everyone wants to kiss.
Not a toe. Not a sea slug.
A mouth.
And why do you think that is, stupid?
Because the mouth is the twin sister...
the almost exact look-alike of the what?
Not the toe.
The mouth is the twin sister...
of the vagina.
And all creatures big and small seek the orifice.
The opening. To be taken in, engulfed.
To be squeezed and lovingly crushed by what is truly...
the all-powerful, all-encompassing.
Now, if it's design you're concerned with...
hidden meanings, symbolism and power...
forget the top of Mount Everest.
Forget the bottom of the sea, the moon, the stars.
There is no place, nowhere, that has been the object...
of more ambitions, more battles than the sweet, sacred mystery...
between a woman's legs that I am proud to call...
my pussy.
So I guess this is just my roundabout way of saying...
that it is women who are, in fact, the most desirable form.
Wouldn't you agree?
I agree.
And so do I.
Hello?
- Is somebody there? - Yes.
Who's this?
I don't find this funny.
Is this the retard?
Brian, what are you doing now? Give me the fucking phone.
Hello?
Who the fuck is this?
What the fuck is going on over there?
Nothing. Sorry, Louis.
We're not getting the desired movement.
We're stepping up the operation.
First thing in the morning, send his thumb to James Dorf... Are you listening?
- Yeah. - Good.
To James Dorf at the U.S. Courthouse on Spring Street.
Hold on one second. Go in the other room.
Go in the other room in the back. Go in the back.
I'm talking on the phone. Go in the back.
What do you mean? How do I send his thumb?
You cut it the fuck off. You take it to Boxes 'R' Us...
or whatever it is. You put the appropriate postage on it...
and that's how you send it. Send it express next-day delivery.
Make sure you kindly refrain from providing a return address, you fucking dummy.
I mean...
You want me to cut his thumb off?
It's enough already. Put the clam-licker on.
Hold on. Wait a minute. What about, like, the bleeding and the...
I can't believe I'm talking to a professional.
I'll send people to help you, they'll take your thumb, too.
- I'm not saying that. - I don't like the habit of hiring you...
and then having to hire someone to make sure you do your job right.
Do your fucking job right, you hear me?
I'm getting tired of this.
- Larry. - What?
Can I stay here with you?
No.
- Time for you to go to bed anyways. - I don't want to go to bed.
- Lf I tell you to go to bed, go to bed. - I don't want to go to bed, though.
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